Weapons: What You've all been Waiting For...

Chainsaws, flame-throwers, time bombs, pitch forks, rocket launchers, sniper rifles, bayonets, pots and pans, ice hockey skates, cross pens, screwdrivers, brass musical instruments, vinyl records, toilet bowl seats; you name it and you could kill a zombie with it.

BUT

Assuming you can't carry all of that stuff around with you.. What weapons would be THE MOST effective in a zombie apocalypse. Buckle your seat belts. Also get your credit cards out of your pocket books.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmehleeeee!!!!!!!! weapons:

For those of you who read that in the super smash bros commentator voice: amen I say to you.

You want a melee weapon that is reliable, that you can always have on you, and that will never backfire or weaken because it is your last defense.
If your melee weapon fails, its time to go bye bye.

#5) Katana
Okok it's pretty badass. But it is number 5 because if you don't slice through cleanly, then your katana will get stuck, and this means ruh roh.

#4) Chainsaw

You all know why its awesome. But you better pray to allah that you don't run out of gas....

#3) Police Baton/Riot Shield combo
It's great if you have Spartan lineage.. But unfortunately your baton won't close enough damage. So battles will be long, and arduous.

#2) Shovel
This would help put a little distance between you and your zombie assailants. It not only is good for smashing, but can be used as a blade as well. You underage sneaker shoplifters out there could also use it at summer camp.

#1) Metal baseball bat
My brother swears by the bat. In his opinion it would be the end to all zombies. Not hard to see why: It is very durable, most people know how to swing a bat and hit a head, it never gets stuck, and it still causes enough damage to get a kill. Also, they are lying around all over the place. The little league would be the most effective organization at curbing an undead invasion. It would be great in almost all situations. Name something better than a metal baseball bat. I dare you. Actually like I dare you to name something better, leave it in the comments.


Long Range Weapons:

Its all about the headshots....

#5) Assault Rifles
AK-47's, Famas's, M-4's, and the such. If you miss there's little to worry about because there's most likely another round poppin into the chamber. But there's a kick: these guns require lots of ammo, and aren't really extremely accurate for an quick and efficient bullet to the head.

#4) Grenades
Great choice unless you throw like a girl. Just pull the pin, give it a toss and bang. you just gotta hope some shrapnel gets in their brains..

#3)Sniper Rifles
So long as you can keep your distance.........

#2) .22's
Not loud, little kick, and just enough pop to get the job done with a headshot. For people that can shoot, this would be ideal. Also, ammo is really light and small and .22 caliber rounds are pretty abundant, so it would be easy carrying enough ammo for months of shootin'.

#1) Sawn-Off Shotgun
Ye old shotty. For the vast majority of mankind that can't shoot, the sawn-off would answer their prayers. Just point in the general direction of the moaning and pull the trigger.

Easy Love

When the whole world is getting ravaged in a zombie apocaplypse, wouldn't you want to ravage somebody too?

When you're holding up in some abandoned building with a few other survivors, and one of them looks pretty attractive, it would be really hard not to have sex. With the world about to end, I think it is probably a human impulse to procreate. No way to really tell, but I think its a safe assumption based on our instinct to survive. 

Would you even bother using contraception? It depends. It would be really hard having a baby in your tummy and trying to run from a pack of beasts trying to eat it out of you. At the same time, if you don't think your going to last more than 9 months, then screw it.

At this point, some of you may be thinking, would zombies have sex? I think the answer would be no. They lose all instincts other than the desire to feed. Since their bodies deteriorate much more slowly, they can survive much longer than a regular human being can. That being said, in popular fiction zombie muscles don't repair themselves, rendering zombie hordes unsustainable. Because zombies only have the desire to feed, they wouldn't reproduce. Therefore they rely solely on human reproduction to survive. In this way the zombie-human relationship is symbiotic, meaning zombies need a human population to feed on (and infect) in order to carry on their species.

The Internet.... Would it save us???

With the internet, could mankind be in a better position for survival when it comes to a zombie apocalypse?
Hell yes we would be.

Initially the internet would create a public sphere where (so long as there is a power source available) people would be able to communicate good places to holdout or what the government is doing in order to keep more people alive.

The only problem would be access. Also, after a while radio towers and power sources would run out, and then the internet basically wouldn't even exist. We would basically be transported back to a time without the internet.

Maybe the absence of the internet would be a good thing for you virgins helplessly addicted to world of warcraft (hey we've all been there). But for most the absence of internet access would be a problem, because the internet would be an extremely valuable tool, and hopefully the government or whoever is in charge would realize that and keep it up as long as possible.

Who You Should Get to Know.........  

Social capital. Honestly, to make it in this world you gotta know people. It would be no different in a zombie apocalypse. That guy next door with the bunker who is always out hunting? Get over your fear and get to know him; he could save your life someday. Who's in your life that could save your ass in a zombie apocalypse?

Another question for you....

How deep would you roll? Meaning: how many people would you let in your crew of survivors. 5? 10? 20? 100? 1000?

Personally, I would stick with no more than 5-8. This way you don't need that many supplies to live off of, you don't take up much space so you can stay hidden, and you still have enough of a group to pay tribute to Adam Smith by specializing. For example, you would have enough people to specialize in building defenses, hunting, and repairing clothes/weapons. Most importantly you could take turns keeping watch so everybody can get a safer nights sleep.

Now..... Who do you want in your crew?
Assuming you couldn't find any family members or friends/girlfriends.... Here are some suggestions:

Policeman/woman:

Probably the ONLY time when the popo can be your best friend. Yes they will probably have a gun, but more importantly they will have a radio, which can give you valuable information and a way to connect with other survivors once the TV and internet stop working.

Outdoorsman/woman:

They know how to hunt, camp, track, and climb. People who have spent a significant portion of their life in the woods would be great to have around. They are also just down to earth friendly people. I suggest looking for outdoorsy people near you, regardless of whether there is a zombie invasion or not. Seriously, they are great folks. Go take a hike. your bound to meet a thruhiker who just discovered the meaning of life in the wilderness and is willing to share it with you.

Rich People (actors, rappers, politicians (the president), Athletes, Crimelords):

HARD to find. They probably have a big house with a fence you can defend. Also they might have a yacht or lots of fasssst cars. Charlie Sheen would probably be "winning" even during a zombie apocalypse, so find him if you can. Also rich people could have lots of nice drugs to help you relax during a stressful zombie invasion.....


People you should "unfriend" NOW to ensure your survival:


Shoppers:

OMG SHOPPING THPREE!!!!!!! These people are NEEDY. You wouldn't be able to have much to your name in a zombie apocalypse. If it takes somebody two hours to pick out a shirt I don't think they'd adapt well to the survival lifestyle.

Most Famous Women (some like Jessica Biel are exempt):

Sorry if this is sexist, but its my blog so bugger off. I would stay away from the Miley Cyrus/Madonna type folks. Snobby, arrogant, dependent, needy, complaining, annoying, distractingly hot sometimes which could be dangerous..... Famous women just wouldn't have what it takes. Plain and simple. Might be nice sharing a tent with Mila Kunis though...

Best Accessible Places to Hold out during Zombie Apocalypse (For the common civilian)



5) Tall city Building apartment
-For those of you that live in the city, your best bet would either be somehow getting out early, or trying to hold up in a high rise apartment with as much supplies as you can gather.

Advantages:

• Lots of doors that can be locked/barricaded
• No threat of zombies entering through the windows
• Good, safe view of what the situation is like on the ground
• Possibility of roof rescue if you can make it up there

Disadvantages:

• Nearly impossible to escape by going down to ground level
• Most tall buildings in crowded places (lots of zombies around)
• Little supplies, and very difficult to resupply
• Only one way in/out of many places so you could get trapped
• Hard to come in contact with other survivors

4) Car/camper, on the move

Advantages

• Mobile, so you can always find the most suitable place to rest
• Compact: you can always lock the doors and try and cover up the windows if you need to hide
• Cars are big enough to hold quite a bit of supplies, and you can find more as you drive around
• Chance to meet many other survivors

Disadvantages

• Could drive into bad areas; putting yourself into more sticky situations
• You need GASOLINE, and so would eeeeeverybody else
• Can pop tires/need car maintenance
• Car could get stolen
• Other survivors would get up in your grill cause they'd want your car (kinda like that scene from War of the Worlds where they enter the village and everybody fights over their car so they just get out)

3) Campsite in the wilderness


Advantages (for if you can find a remote location)

• Few people, therefore few zombies
• ample animals for hunting, and vegetation for gathering
• Can eventually become self sustainable, if you build up your camp
• Can bring lots of people with you
• open fires aren't that much of an issue in tree cover

Disadvantages

• If you don't know how to hunt, or gather roots/fruit, food could be an issue
• You could get stranded
• low temps could be a problem if you don't have the right gear
• you could get ambushed by wandering zombies if you don't set a watch, and there is nowhere to hide if this happens

Suggestions:

1. Map out the area
2. Make a trail that leads back to civilization in case you need supplies
3. Always set a watch guard especially at night
4. When gathering water, check first upstream to check for signs of infected contact (ie a zombie body) because the source of the water supply could be infected

2) At Home (assuming you don't live in an extremely populated area, in which case bail on this idea)


Advantages

• YOU DONT HAVE TO GO ANYWHERE (with zombies running around this is huge)
• You have all your belongings and loved ones
• You know where all of your supplies are and can easily organize yourself
• You know your surroundings, and possible sources of help
• You have a car/cars to head back into town from you garage to get supplies
• If you have a well, your water source is never ending, and secure

Disadvantages

• Lots of windows
• Sort of a sitting duck situation once zombies find out where you are
• Paranoia of gather supplies, or leaving the house

Suggestions

1. Board up all doors/windows from in and outside if you can, and use the garage (if it is attached to your house like mine is) as the only way to get in or out

1. If you have guns, station people with them on the second floor (cause you don't have to board up these windows), above weak points in your defenses

1) Walmart!!!!!
Yes. Not K-Mart. Not any other "mart." It has to be Walmart.
Advantages

• EVERYTHING YOU NEED
• -health supplies
• -guns
• -food
• -water/soda/juice/all drinks known to man
• -toys?? (Still gotta have fun AMIRIT?!)

• Probably will be other survivors there you can work with
• Only one/two main entrances that you'd have to barricade

Disadvantages

• Infected could make it inside before defenses/barricades get set up or even before you get there
• Might be hard to get to a Walmart in time before they lock it all up from the outside world

Suggestions

• -Use the tall aisle furniture as barricades (you can see through but can't really get through).

• -Set up barricades throughout the store so you can fall back to say the auto repair part of the store if zombies make it through the front door barricades and take over the checkout isles section (I'd make the grocery section the last defense so you never lose your food supply)

• -Ration food by how long it lasts (eat all the meat and fruit first so it doesn't rot then start going for the fruit loops and frozen pizza

My hold out Strategy:
If you've seen the college senior memes: yes I have plans for a zombie apocalypse and no idea what I am going to do as a career.

First, I'd probably use the at home option. You don't have to go there, and you can invite your friends over while keeping your family safe and close. My house is also pretty remote and defensible, so this is a great option for me.

Inevitably, we would run out of food and supplies. When this happens, I'd gather supplies and weapons and head to Walmart to see what the situation is there. Hopefully they are barricaded in, but have a door they can unlock in the back. If there is a big zombie horde in front of it, I'd park nearby then sneak to the back entrance.
This way I avoid the potential initial infection outbreak inside Walmart, and still get to benefit from it's bountiful harvest of endless supplies.

The Most Dangerous Types Of Zombies:

5) Night of the living dead/old horror films 
(Slow fumblers)

-Although they seem the most "living," they are also the slowest, least dangerous, borderline friendly zombies. They walk so slowly and move so slowly its frustrating when you see somebody fall into their fumbling grasp.


4) Land of the Dead Zombies 
(Slow sociables)


-Granted they are slow, these are pretty dangerous. They actually have feelings for each other making them vengeful, and develop the ability to communicate. The smartest ones can use weapons to the best of their ability. This makes them pretty dangerous in big groups.

3) I am Legend zombies 

(Beastly Nocturnals)

-Clever, unnaturally athletic, and out for blood: These would be hard to avoid, were it not for their one downfall. They can't be outside during the day. This gives survivors a time period where they are free to roam around gathering supplies, and then able to hold up somewhere safe for the night. But they better hope that place is safe....

2) World War Z/Walking Dead/Resident evil zombies 
(Loud indestructables)

-According to the book, these zombies would be tough to bring down. As you can see from the woman above, they don't need much to keep living. They Can fight on without vital organs, and limbs, as seen in this video:

They only way to actually kill them is by disabling their brain. Sort of unrealistic, but  dangerous. They also move in huge packs, kind of like the walking dead zombies.
These zombies are held back by their slightly slow speed. Also, they moan a lot, which gives them away to their "prey." In the book, a blind man is able to fight them off using his Daredevil-like instincts.

1) 28 Days Later/Dawn of the Dead Zombies 

(Fast Unavoidables)

-These are the most deadly, realistic, terrifying zombies man can think of. They come across as having a conceptual human version of rabies. They don't have many cognitive functions other than the quest for blood, and the basic instinct of hunting in packs. These seem the most human, but move in jerking, violent, unnatural ways. 

They also can seek out survivors through their sense of smell, or detection of light, kinda like in this video:

>>>http://www.hulu.com/watch/55502/28-days-later-remembering<<<

You're gonna have to go through a buncha bullshit to prove your 18. Just do it. It will be well worth your time....

>Thats how I rank em, Which are you most scared of???

5 Worst Places to be During Zombie Infection Outbreak:

5) Highways

Would be a mess of traffic, with infected people rampaging between the backed up cars. Although this might seem like a way to get out of trouble, the infection would follow the crowds, and especially near cities, crowds would take to the highways. I suppose you could lock your doors.

Or just buy a tank..... (http://tanksforsale.co.uk/) Can't hurt. Also pretty badass way to pick up your girlfriend.

4) Airports

Taking to the skies would seem like a great alternative, but it would be a total shit show. People would flock to airports bringing infected with them. Even if you somehow got on a plane, anybody who was infected but maybe not showing symptoms yet would get everybody on the plane infected.

(Quarantine 2: Terminal is a prime example of this).

3) Train Stations

Would be similar to airports, but everything would be underground. The tunnels and dark places would be death traps, and there are very few places to run or even hide. Also it would be hard to navigate by crossing the tracks in a hurry with desperate train drivers flying through stations and running people over...

2) Hospitals

All the initial infected would be taken straight to the hospital so that doctors could figure out what's wrong with them. The doctors would then get infected, and the military checkpoints that would most likely be set up around the hospital would be quickly overrun. This would be one of the first places compromised.

Also there would be loads of desperate retards who would go to the hospital looking for a rabies shot.... They would join the line to get infected by all the "patients" already being "taken care of."

1) Churches

Probably the worst possible place you could be. All sorts of doomsday advocates and crazy desperate people would flock to churches for salvation. People would think Satan as soon as they saw their first zombie, so they would go to churches to be closer to god. People would show up infected or even bring their infected love ones so that they could be cured by a divine miracle. 

Churches would obviously have no form of defense, and everybody there would get owned. Also, nobody there would have enough common sense to do what is necessary to survive in this situation. Everybody would take direction from the priest, whose judgement would be pretty clouded. I wonder what that sermon would be like.... Communion wouldn't be serving only the blood of Christ anymore....YIKES!